Seeking to find a partner is a natural adult milestone. Many people have grown up with the idea that they need to find a partner, and it is ingrained into our belief systems through our traditions and religions. You can easily see that in the increase in popularity of reality dating shows, and even shows that are centered on arranged marriages. But, committing to a partner is a huge undertaking. It's not something we should do in a state of immaturity, but all too often, that is what happens. I'm not speaking of the shenanigans and myriad of mistakes people make in their youth while on a pathway to self-discovery, such as college and maybe even post-college years. When you are well over 30 and beyond, still seeking a partner, fully aware that you are not mentally or emotionally prepared to hold space for a significant other, it can create a massive roadblock to manifesting the partner you desire. 

Over the years as an Intuitive Guide, most single millennial women I have worked with are looking for a relationship at the forefront of their personal goals. Without a relationship, most of them feel a void that is relative to not being able to keep up with their peers in growth milestones, but also feeling left out cuts them off from the ability to continue to grow in a way that is most attractive to potential partners. It almost seems as if those with partners continue to have experiences to help them develop more complex emotions, a more profound sense of understanding.

Here are:

 5 Signs You Are Not Ready for a New Relationship

1. Lack of self-love 

Self-love is our birthright. It is one of the aspects of our existence that makes our purpose more meaningful. But, much like soul purpose, self-love is a long, winding road. It doesn't always feel like we are getting there; sometimes, we settle for much less than love on the climb to ascension. 

How do you love someone when you don't love yourself? And it's because people are covered in trauma and don't have any reference for self-love but want to be chosen and made to feel special so that it frees them from their self-victimization. 

As an intuitive guide, I've heard the call for help in understanding what self-love looks like. How do I show more love for myself? It's soul-crushing, honestly, to hear grown women have such a lack of dialogue and experience with love to understand how to reflect it to themselves. But also, I think the culture has crippled us with the concept of being creative in that we have faked so many self-love rituals for views and missed the memo that self-love is critical to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. 

Cultivating an authentic self-love practice could be as simple as spending more time alone getting to know yourself, or practicing stillness and mindfulness through walks through nature or yoga, and even connecting to your personal roadblocks to self-love through intuitive guidance. 

2. Haven't processed your last relationship 

The pain of breaking up with someone you care about is dulled easiest when you get attention and the possibility of love from someone else. However, processing your last relationship is an integral part of personal growth. All too often, we experience a lot of shame and ego-centered thoughts post-break and try to resist the painful aspects but force ourselves not to think about it or not to release the complicated emotions through crying about it. Suppressing your feelings increases stress levels, leading to illness and intensifying mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.  

Another thing people do to avoid processing their emotions is toxic positivity. Ending any relationship can be difficult. Often, our identity is connected to the people in our lives, and our romantic relationships represent a part of our chosen family, especially if you expect marriage to be the outcome of dating your ex-partner. 

Our chosen families are people we feel deeply connected to, offer us a sense of safety, and ultimately show up for us when we need support. Losing a person who represents any of these things can be devastating, and telling yourself it will be okay or not meant to be may be accurate. Still, those statements become more authentic as you have time to process the loss of a connection and begin to heal. 

Projecting toxic positivity is becoming more and more common as people are learning more about establishing boundaries, recovering from trauma, and removing themselves from dysfunctional break up dynamics. This new era of cancel culture makes it hard to show up authentically when you are having a rough time because often we believe that we will be judged for being the hostile party. An important thing to remember is that most people don’t remain negative for an extended amount of time, but we all need to heal our pain and express it in the way that feels natural to us. While verbal expression is great for some people, others might choose to change their negative thoughts into their creative projects or do other things like take walks, or journal to share their ideas without the fear of judgment from others. 

 In every relationship, both parties were contributors to the demise. Regarding the law of attraction, we can only attract what we are. So, if you found your last relationship difficult, abusive, or unfulfilling, part of your growth story is understanding how the root cause of those attributes is mirrored within you. Once you connect with the energy of how or why you are attracted to a specific type of person, you can shed that energy by releasing limiting beliefs and changing your actions. A critical aspect of positively processing your relationship would be to limit the negative words and thoughts you have for your ex-partner because it's likely that you shared many of the same qualities in different ways. Ultimately, separations are generally about your needs, not being met by the other partner. Sometimes, we ignore our internal red flags and cues to heal before pursuing a new relationship.

Not to mention, going into a new relationship unhealed has the potential to ruin it early on and disconnect you from gaining knowledge through the lessons you were to learn from the experience of that relationship. 

Being single is not the same thing as being lonely, and there is a lot of self-discovery that can happen when you are unpartnered, and the experience of the in-between can be highly empowering. 

3. Looking for a savior and not a partner 

This is huge for the person who is unhealed and not progressing toward emotional growth or on the path to significant career advancement and looking for relationships to ease their sense of self and save them from the single life or ease financial burdens. The people who fall into this category are almost always unsure what type of partner they seek and settle for anyone who offers them attention. Codependent traits generally play a factor in those looking for a savior as they may struggle to be alone due to abandonment issues, childhood trauma. These types of problems represent being a victim at some point in their life and looking for someone to help or rescue them from their issues so they don’t have to be overwhelmed or do the work of personal development. The victim and the savior dynamic is tough, especially when the victim desires to be chosen or in a relationship with someone that is not prepared to take on the role of the savior. The victim often struggles with a personal identity and clings on to whomever will choose them and will support them through their emotional and physical baggage. 

The most loving and healthy romantic connections are created with mutual support from both partners. In any relationship whether it be a friendship or romantic connection, is it essential for every individual to take responsibility for themselves. Understanding the root cause of the areas in your life where you feel like a victim or have codependent tendencies will be essential to identify and heal through breaking negative thought patterns, and establishing healthy boundaries with yourself as you unlearn your default settings. Not to mention becoming more self-aware will reduce stress that comes up within romantic situations as you can identify emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that lead you to imbalance in your connections.

4. Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations are an understatement when it comes to those who are not ready for a relationship. The people who fall into this category are almost always arrogant, perhaps even delusional in what they bring to a relationship, and because of this, have unreachable standards for their potential partners. Often, those expectations are relative to how much time will be spent together, the frequency of communication, how soon the relationship will transition from dating to an exclusive relationship, and undefined boundaries on personal space. Expecting more than your partner can provide or is willing to provide can be emotionally detrimental for both partners and creates an unhealthy relationship. In any relationship it is crucial to be a genuine representation of yourself, and clearly communicate what you desire in a connection to your partner to establish if you are a good fit for each other early on. Keeping your fears, dislikes, and mistakes only serve to be the basis of a future breakup. 

Communication is vital in all of our relationships. Often those seeking a relationship too soon after a break up tend to oversell themselves as they want to overcome their own inner dialogue about their last relationship and prove they can be a good partner. But being a good partner is about honesty with yourself first, and your potential. Without good communication there is no opportunity for deep connection, healthy compromise, or growth potential. 

5. Have unhealed from childhood trauma or the trauma of your last relationship 

People with unhealed childhood trauma struggle with boundaries and can be non-confrontational, leading to a lot of miscommunication. Unhealed trauma in romantic relationships is relative to fear of rejection, abandonment issues, or a deep need for approval. It tends to lead to roadblocks in both verbal and physical intimacy. 

Childhood trauma is challenging to overcome, but mostly when you are ignoring its existence. Sometimes people believe that love will overcome all of the pain that they have experienced and falling in love will remove all of the bad memories. What actually happens is that romantic relationships, conflicts in relationships, and even becoming a parent triggers childhood memories and creates a lot of inner turmoil and chaos in the relationship. 

Understanding more about your childhood trauma is important even if you don’t have highly negative memories. It’s often that people have lots of love in their life but may struggle with their parents divorce, or may have lived in a dysfunctional family and don’t know how to exist with someone who handles conflict or even love differently than they do.    

Looking for ways to reflect deeply on your romantic experiences before moving on to a new relationship is a sign of growth itself. Take a look at ways that you can improve yourself based on what proved to be complicated for you, or triggering for you in your last relationship. Our experiences teach us lessons about life, and especially. If you are struggling to overcome a relationship, or would like guidance in understanding more about self-love and getting to the heart of your roadblocks in love, you can schedule a free consultation here. However, it is important to call out where you feel disconnected in your relationship and your past relationship even to yourself, get help where you need it, and acknowledge the trauma for what it is and where you are coping with it.

Are you ready to be supported by an empath, to overcome the pattern of not healing and dig deeper into who you are and what would best serve you now? Then schedule some time with me, and let's see if we can travel this road together.