Breastfeeding: The guilt & the shame

It’s National Breastfeeding Month, and that’s given me another reason to be down in the dumps aside from coronavirus lockdown in summer’s prime!

Breastfeeding is a part of the motherhood journey that proved to be a puzzle piece that didn’t quite connect for me. And I know I’m not alone in this by any means, but it still serves as a painful reminder and another disappointment that showed up in the early days of motherhood.

It was my ridiculous assumption that after getting through preeclampsia with my firstborn, we would be out of the woods. I thought since we both survived with no apparent battle wounds, the rest of nurturing this new life would be fairly typical, well it wasn’t. After the first night, there was another new threat: a lack of milk. 

Now, if I had known more, had better doctors, or even more observant connections in my life, someone would have told me that because my breasts never dramatically grew throughout my pregnancy that I would probably not produce enough milk. This information and forewarning would have softened the blow. But, no one said anything. It should be of no surprise that by the second night in the hospital, when the baby got hungry, it became a nightmare. 

I gave her what I had and kept hoping that would be enough until my “milk came in.” And on top of that, the lactation specialists did not give me a lot of support or kindness. I don’t know what being a lactation specialist consists of, but I can tell you that the small team of women I interacted with didn’t offer a lot of empathy and were borderline aggressive. 

A new mother is consumed with an array of emotions, such as fear, worry, overwhelming joy, and simply trying to reconcile this significant event, especially a first-time mom. Such an understanding of my situation is in stark contrast with what my lactation team offered me. They were a matter of fact, they didn’t ask permission to touch my baby or me before doing so, and they didn’t provide me with many options or hope for breastfeeding. After leaving the hospital, I remember that there was an amount of milk (in ounces) that I should be able to produce and pump. If I didn’t hit that number, I would likely need to supplement formula or give up hope of breastfeeding altogether. They gave me a considerable packet of standard information, as well as a support group for when I was able to breastfeed and wanted to meet with a group of breastfeeding women every week and sent on my way. Even then, in my new mommy chaos, I instantly thought it was the moms who couldn’t breastfeed that would need the support, not the moms who could! 

By the time the day came around to test my breast milk quantity, I didn’t meet the recommended amount you should be able to pump, nor did I answer the phone when the lactation specialist called to check-in. Because, what was she going to say? It was clear that I wouldn’t need help with latch techniques, or how to hold the baby, I needed more milk, simple and plain. Although this was both disappointing and frustrating, I didn’t dwell on it for too long. I was busy researching the organic formula that I would need to supplement my milk production in order to make sure my baby was well fed.  

Many may have kept working at trying to produce more milk and researching supplements that could assist, but I was committed to my baby being healthy whether I could feed her from my own body, or not. And in retrospect, why didn’t that little pamphlet of information include formula options, breast milk donors/banks for those open to it, and a support group for those grieving over not being able to breastfeed? This lack of information invalidated and erased an experience that many mothers go through.

You know, feeling like I failed so early in my motherhood journey left me feeling hopeless. I’m thankful that this was only a temporary state. When I finally landed on a formula that I felt good about feeding my daughter, I realized that we were both better for it. She could stop crying because she was hungry, and I could feed her and lean into other aspects of motherhood, and more importantly, dive deep into learning this new little human and all the bits of her personality that made her unique.  

Releasing the fear and worry of the perfect latch and guesstimating how much milk I thought she needed vs. how much she got was wearing us both thin. Not to mention that my husband was doing his best to support me while separating himself from his expectations of the breastfeeding journey. I mean, this was all he had ever known, and it was hard for him and equally as disappointing for both of us. 

Here’s the advice I would give to moms in waiting, or new moms struggling: feeding your child may not come as naturally to you as you expect. And, that’s ok. What’s important is that you understand that bonding with your child happens in many different ways. Your child will still call you mom, still reach for you for feedings, and want only you to hold them close, even if all you have to offer is a bottle. 

Breastfeeding does not define the connection, your love for your child does. But, I will also tell you something no one told me as well: you may not get the support you need from your inner circle on this. You don’t have to understand my next statement, just take it in. People are only as available to deeply empathize with you based on their own level of emotional clarity. Your mother may not get how painful releasing breastfeeding is for you, or she may not understand that it may not be your desire to breastfeed.

Furthermore, your friends may not have children, or have passed the stage of infants and disconnect from your experience altogether. You have to accept this because if you can’t, you risk blowing up relationships that are supportive to you in other areas of your life. The decisions that you make for you and your child must be yours and your partners. We are often looking for approval and evident empathy in places that we know it is not available and where we don’t truly need it. Trust that if you have been given the gift of this child, you will be guided to everything you need to support you as your challenges arise. More than that, trust yourself, Mama - you got this! 

If you would like to hear more about my birth story and what to consider along the way to your own birth story, check out these episodes of the podcast:

What is an Empath? Mother’s Day Special - https://spoti.fi/3gjolvV

A Black Woman’s Roadmap:  An Intuitive Guide to a Holistic Birth - https://spoti.fi/39p8dHu

Joyful, Joyful: Creating a Happy Birthing Process -  https://spoti.fi/39rAPjh

Soul Notes:  A Black Father on Pregnancy -  https://spoti.fi/3eQCnnQ

If you are interested in Intuitive Coaching, take your first step, and schedule a consultation: https://bit.ly/2wwTE5t.